Letters From LaundryVille—Fish and Murder

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Letters From LaundryVille

Hello Friends,

It has been a few weeks since my last post and honestly I have written a ton, but I don’t share much. I get weird and edit and delete and move on and let’s face it, I don’t share because that’s what’s easy for me. Sometimes I need to be pushed and last night I spoke with a friend who encouraged me to share what I’ve written even when it doesn’t make sense, feel great or send a specific message. She encouraged me to just let it rip and see what happens. Worst case scenario nothing. Best case scenario you laugh, cry or let me tell you a story…and for today that’s plenty. 

My house smells like paint today because there is actual progress being made in our basement. Thank God. We are hoping it will be finished in the next month. So when I loaded my laundry in my car today I was glad to get away from the noise and smell, but I honestly dreaded coming here. Not because I dislike this place or that it has almost been six months of LaundryVille, but because I have been binge watching Mindhunters and last week on our local news there was a murder trial which happened to involve a woman kidnapped from a laundromat who had been raped and murdered. I’m a little creeped out and the last few times I have come here I have been alone or the only woman in the place and as much as I want to believe that everyone in my world has only good intentions, the sad truth is that woman aren’t safe in many public places. 

Ok, hard right turn here–this will make sense eventually… or not. Who knows. 

Two weeks ago I needed to do laundry, but I was procrastinating so I put it off and decided to do a Facebook live, which I haven’t done in months. I put on a cute black summer dress, fixed my hair and while I was setting up I opened the back deck door and got slapped in the face by the unmistakeable smell of a dead fish. Living on a lake this happens from time to time and it is never fun to deal with, but honestly this dead fish smell was one thousand times stronger than anything I have ever smelled before…in my life…..EVER. I’m an old nurse, I’ve smelled things and this was next level bad. I glanced down at our beach and initially thought a log had floated up onto our shore. It was far too big to be a fish. No way could a fish that big be living or dying in our lake. Then I looked closer and realized that it was not a log, it was a ginormous dead fish and the source of the heinous smell.

It was at least four feet long and very dense.  A big meaty fellow. I think it was a carp, or a shark, or a whale, or something ugly, who’s exact fish name does not matter, because it simply dead and smelled horrific. It was super hot that day and we have dogs, and our neighbors have a dog and they love to roll in dead things. I contemplated leaving it and waiting till my husband got home, but it was too rank to let it roast in the sun all day and I didn’t want try to wash this smell off my dogs for the next week and leaving it for Ryan to deal with was just kind of a shitty move.

So I got some black trash bags, (left over from the flood cleanup and that I still dislike very much) the wheel barrel, the snow shovel, and some rubber gloves because those are tools for moving a huge dead thing. I took it all to the down to the beach and took a final look around to see if any of the construction guys, or neighbor guys, or any guys who might possibly be stronger than me were around, but no such luck. The one day I needed help it was just me and this stupid fish. Seriously, I am sure this fish was the same one Santiago battled in “The Old Man and the Sea.”

First, I tried to use the snow shovel to move the dead orca, but it was too big and wouldn’t budge. It just laid there at the edge of the water with the waves sloshing against its half open belly and its milky eyes looking up at nothing as a million flies buzzed around its face. I put on the rubber gloves and stepped into the water and worked one of the trash bags over its head and tried to maneuver the other four feet of it into the bag while gagging, and cussing, and sweating in my cute dress…Yes, I should have changed clothes but I didn’t think it would take that long to move  the body. I thought the giant river monster would sort of bend and conform to the bag…..but it didn’t. I had to get ahold of its thick solid tail and sort of bend it into the bag….and did I mention it smelled worse than anything I have ever smelled in my life and it was huge?? 

After I finally got the bag around it, I drug it up onto the sand and then heaved the giant bag of slime into the wheel barrel. I tried to take it up our hill by walking backward and pulling it because I didn’t want any of the disgusting juice to roll my directions. That was a terrible idea. It almost slid out because the angle was too steep and it was way too heavy. I am sure it weighed one hundred pounds….or fifty, I don’t know it was a lot and I was sweating. Too much water had gotten into the trash bag with the decomposing blue whale so I had to take it back down to the water and drain it out to make it lighter. This Part Was The Worst!!!!! 

The greasy dead fish water poured out of the bag along with some pieces and parts and I cannot believe I didn’t puke. I was finally able to get it back into the wheel barrel, up the hill and then I noticed that the bones from its dorsal fin had pierced the bag so I had to get another bag around it while not tipping over the wheel barrel. Not cute! 

Once I got it up the hill I had to lift it all of it into the trash dumpster because the damn thing was way too big to bury.

A-It would have required a human sized grave and I’m certain the friendly officers from Sarpy County P.D. would have been out here investigating a report of a possible murder and a shallow grave in no time and B-It was too hot to dig a grave that day. 

As I was heaving this God awful rotten carcass around it got me to thinking, how in the world would you dispose of an actual dead body? It’s now obvious to me where things go off the rails for criminals, especially if you whack someone who is heavier than this fish! 

Ummm, yes my friends I have watched too many interviews with serial killers lately and dead things are really heavy. 

As I was struggling lift the heavy garbage bag of dead flesh into the dumpster I actually thought to myself, “Oh…..this is why you cut someone up, it completely makes sense to me now.” 

Then I also remember thinking, “Oh my God this is killing my back. Wow, I need to lift some weights. I’m really out of shape and weight lifting is good for bone density and I am at the age where osteoporosis is a real thing.” This was all simultaneously happening while I was gagging, cussing and trying not to have a giant meltdown. What the holy hell?? Dismemberment and osteoporosis. Who thinks like that?? Yes… Me…a fifty something, post menopausal woman with bad upper body strength and a really vivid imagination. 

I have no idea if any of my neighbors saw this spectacle, but if they did I am sure they got a good laugh. Honey, it was messy! I am also grateful that our thoughts aren’t like cartoon bubbles on display for the entire world to see because these were the rantings of a lunatic or someone who has watched t.v. and is clearly ill prepared for crime scene management.

Today I am leaving LaundryVille alive and unscathed. Glory Hallelujah! I’m also sharing my fish debacle with all of you because it is a good story and I can’t stop thinking about it, so you’re welcome. 

And if the nice folks at Netflix wonder if their shows influence their consumers the answer is yes! I am here to testify that I have been affected by what I am watching. I am still obsessed with psychopaths and true crime stories. I felt guilty today because I balled up my husbands socks-apologies to Marie Kondo. I felt good because I was friendly and helpful to others and I like to think the guys from Queer Eye would approve and I wrote this bananas, crazy blog post for all of you that I am sure will be made into a series someday because letting these fantastic stories go to waste would be a crime! Haha…Pun intended. 



P.S. No sushi for awhile. 

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